One hot summer night, it’s so hot that I had to leave the window open. I’m lying on my bedroom floor. My face is wet; the carpet is soaked, with my tears. My phone keeps buzzing but I’m too afraid to pick it up. My hand is holding a cold wet towel over my arm. The noises in my head are finally calming down, my whole body is numb. I somehow feel exhausted and relieved at the same time.
It’s almost midnight when I heard someone climbed up to my window and sneaked into my bedroom. I didn’t get up because I knew who exactly it was. You sat down next to me with a box, a first aid kit. You didn’t say a word. We didn’t even make eye contact. If we were in a normal situation, I would burst out laughing at you for carrying around the box but we weren’t.
The night is so quiet that I could hear your heart beating so rapidly but your touch is as comforting as always. Though you show nothing on your face, I can still see the worries and fears in your eyes. The feeling of guilt shot through my veins. The tears that I thought I had cried out start flooding down my face again. I remember how heavy my heart is. Again.
“I’m sorry” I wanted to say but nothing came out of my mouth. I watch you wrap the bandage around my arm. You do it like you’ve already done it a million times before. Your cheeks flushed, probably from the heat. I’m starting to feel the soreness on my forearm, proving me that this is really happening. You are really here, picking me up when my whole world is falling apart. This is not just a dream.
I turn on my side to face you when you lie down on the floor next to me. It’s ironic how close I let you get to me, after all those times I pushed you away. I stare at you, wanting to tell you everything but I can’t put my thoughts and feelings into words right now. I close my eyes and wish that I could just disappear.
“It’s okay, take your time,” You whispered, wiping my tears with your thumb, your palm on my cheek, “I’m not going anywhere.” Your words make me feel at ease, and at the same time, they make me want to explode. I’m trapped in in this black hole of my own thoughts with no way out and I never want to drag you down into this with me. You pull me closer and press your forehead against mine and for that one moment, we hold on to each other and pretend that nothing hurts.